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Friday, February 1, 2008

Lies vs. Truth

My husband and I have very different philosophies about raising our children. This most recently became apparent when discussing the topic of lying. My son will lie to us about going potty in his diaper. Now my husband believes that is a straight up lie. I tend to think that it is the wishful thinking of a 3 year old. He wishes that he hadn’t pooped in his diaper because he knows that we will be disappointed in him. We want him to be a big boy and big boys use the potty. So he distorts the truth so we don’t think he is still a baby.
Maybe I am just reaching for an explanation. I certainly do not know what goes on in the mind of a 3 year old. But Joan Tolchin, MD, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry, does. In a article on Parents.com entitled “Why Kids Lie,” she says that toddlers are still trying to figure out the difference between reality and fantasy. So when a 3 year old lies, they don’t do it knowingly or willingly and they certainly do not have any malicious intent. It may simply be thei r expression of what the wish were true.
That being said, my husband disagrees. He thinks that when my son lies, he knows he is telling a lie. So when he tells us he didn’t potty in his diaper, he gets in trouble, not for having an accident, but for lying about it. I believe this is the wrong approach but mine is not much better. While my husband disciplines, I rationalize. I explain to my son that he shouldn’t lie and that lying is bad. Neither of these approaches is successful according to Dr. Saarni, a professor of counseling at Sonoma State University. She says that “a long lecture about the virtues of being honest would be way over your toddler’s head.” But it is also pointless to punish him for lying and may even cause him more harm in the long run.
So what are we as parents to do? We want our children to be honest and tell the truth. We want them to value honesty and we believe that we need to instill these values at an early age. But until they truly comprehend what truth is, they cannot learn the value of it. For now, I want my son to know that I trust him and encourage him to tell the truth. But I won’t expect him to understand the importance of honesty or demand it from him until he can separate fact from fiction.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna go with your thoughts. He wants to please you therefore he lies. By telling the truth he is afraid you will be disappointed.